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| GreenFerrit Joined: 22 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 | Posted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:59 pm Here is my first attemt at a character. I know the writing is not as good a most people but I tried to catch all the spelling error (like I started to spell his name Vuples) and all the grammer errors.
Any feedback you give me would be helpful, well not really any feedback like if you just say is sucks then that would not be helpful at all. Here it is... Name: Volpes Bernard Balfour Harrington Age: 16 House: Slytherin Wand: Yew, dragon heartstring, and thirteen and three quarter’s inches. Description: Strait dark brown almost black hair that just covers his ears and sometimes his eyes when he tilts his head forward, he is about 5’9” and lean but not stick like. His forest green eyes are always moving taking in everything around him. He is almost always wearing a cloak of some type usually in dark colors. Also at all times his can be seen carrying a small bag which is always filled with more than it seems it should be able to carry of various magical things. Volpes does not like to mess around and cannot stand the immaturity of many of his peers. Even with his serious attitude on life he is not the best student there is. He only receives top marks in two subjects because of one major problem; both of his parents are squibs. Volpes is definitely not a squib. He has no problem casting basic spells but when it comes to anything more complex he just can do it. This is why he carries around a bag of magic items to help him. The two classes where he almost always receives top marks are Potions and Herbology. This is not because he is in Slytherin were Snape gives just about everyone in his house good grades, but because it is the some thing he can do that does not require casting. This is the same for Herbology. Volpes is very clever, he can always figure out what people are thinking and how they are feeling. He always seems to be in the background of any situation knowing what is happening, but he doesn’t interfere. He believes that most people don’t take life seriously enough. Although he is hard to carry on a conversation with you know that when you see his lips drawn up in a sneer like smile he has something to say. Volpes has no problem going against authority if the authority is wrong or if there is some better way to do something. Many times when McGonagall would ask the class to do some type of transformation he would raise his hand and ask if he could make the potion that would have the same effect. When she says no he would then reach into his bag pull out a flask and would give what ever they were transforming a drink, which would then cause it to turn into what ever they we going for. The only person he never corrects and think very highly of at the school is Professor Snape. He can never understand why people complain so much when Snape gives a long essay to write. Snape is just preparing them for the real world. Did people actually think that the real world would be easy or something, come on. Volpes’ most valued possessions are his personal potions kit, his invisibility cloak, and his magical long bow. Every day Volpes would go out and practice with his bow. He can hit a moving target while flying on a broom at 100 yards (given this is a magical bow but he is still a good shot). He loves to dual and would use his bow instead of his wand because of course he cannot cast very well. He would shoot magical spells at his opponents so fast and accurately that he rarely lost. History: As said before both of his parents are squibs. Even as that may be like most Slytherins is from a pure blood family. His parents being squibs did have a huge impact on his life. He was completely against any type of discrimination and would even support a muggle being helped by magic. His parents both work for a private company that they started called the Muggle Squib Wizard Relations Corporation or the MSW. They try to improve relations between the three different groups and soon hope to include more races like giants and goblins. |
Digithe Joined: 24 Aug 2003 Posts: 884 | Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 10:06 pm Err, well I wont bother you with various grammar issues, but there are some typos (I assume they're typos) that obscure the meaning:
"...but when it comes to anything more complex he just can do it." -- Do you mean "can't do it"? "Even as that may be like most Slytherins is from a pure blood family." -- I'm not sure what you mean here. "He was completely against any type of discrimination and would even support a muggle being helped by magic." -- Are you saying he would like to see wizards help muggles? Because that's not going to happen in the Harry Potter world.... The wizarding world tries very hard to stay unnoticed by muggles.... A few questions: "He would shoot magical spells at his opponents so fast and accurately that he rarely lost." -- This bow shoots magic spells? Also, where did he get it, just curiously? That's something you could elaborate on in the history. Similarly, where did he get the invisibility cloak? I was under the impression that they were very hard to come by. Furthermore, why is it a most valuable possession? You explained the other two, but this one got kind of ignored. As for the MSWRC... muggles (with the exception of, perhaps, leaders of nations) have no relation with the magical world whatsoever. I'm... not exactly sure what this "corporation" would do, but that's alright. It just can't really include muggles, at all. Last, some observations: Slytherin house's main trait is probably ambition, and you don't seem to talk about it at all in the description. To me, he seems almost more of a Gryffindor with his sensitivity and wanting to help others. The history doesn't really say much about him at all. You have some stuff, but it's mostly about his parents or is otherwise stuff that you could put under the description. It doesn't have to be long, but we want to know the things that shaped his personality: where he grew up, how he was raised, important events, competitions, arguments, etc. How did he end up where and who he is now, basically -- that's what you should put in your history. It's a good start, and you seem to have a pretty good grasp of the character for yourself so it shouldn't be too hard to clear things up and iron things out. And don't feel like you have to rush, the roleplay isn't going anywhere that quickly at all ;) |
| GreenFerrit Joined: 22 Jan 2007 Posts: 5 | Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 6:53 pm Thanks for the help. I'll edit the character some when I have time.
By the way have you ever thought about becoming an english teacher because you've helped me more with something I've written than any teacher I have ever had. :lol: |
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